I’m not sure what it’s like for other writers in regards to that illusive maiden inspiration. Stephen King supposedly just sits down at a crazy old computer with his hat on top of the CRT and just forces himself to write. James Patterson apparently stares at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form upon his forehead. I don’t really know what causes the muse to strike for me. I sat down and I wrote 42 in an hour as a high pressure spur of the moment thing and from the few friends I forced to read it, I got kudos. On a second read there are some iffy parts, but overall the premise, flow, and hook are solid. And I kinda just did it. The thing is there are other times I’ll sit down and nothing comes out so, I dunno. And then there’s today, where a random event on Facebook sparks a really sincere moment with someone, and a life lesson I want to share about negativity.
There are a few reasons I didn’t talk about my birth family, and part of it was the noble idea of “being above it” and “not sinking down to someone else’s level” and that’s a truth. Another part of it is there was a point when I realized that I was allowing that negativity to overtake my life. That there was a lot of anger and even hate there and I would scream it out to the world and bring it to select people just to get it off my chest. And at the time it felt good. It felt really good to just say it out loud or to other people how much I was wronged or how much someone pissed me off… But it took me a long time to realize that it was solving nothing, and while it felt good in the moment, all it did is just fill my life with bitterness.
There are some people who have been a huge part of my life that had some inner turmoil, and recently there was k’faw on Facebook. Literally a year before hand I had asked these people for permission to mention them in a video I was thinking about making. A now trope-ish “whiteboard” video as seen on many prominent YouTube channels. At the time all but one had agreed, which didn’t matter because the video never came to fruition. Fast forward a year and the person who hadn’t agreed — because apparently he never saw the message — agreed to the request… which sparked a whole thing. See the others had forgotten about the request and thought that this was a fresh request. At which point they all messaged me to tell me how much they didn’t like the other person and to tell me absolutely no way would they want to be mentioned in a video with this person. One of the friends — easily the most lovely, caring, and pleasant girl I know — was overcome with vitriol.
I told them that they shouldn’t be saying things like that. They were not impressed with me or my response. I was then scolded with almost equal amounts of vitriol. I later clarified.
“He’s done awful things to you guys, just as my mother has done awful things to me. You might not remember, but I was homeless for a long stretch of time. I’m not saying he isn’t an idiot or a tremendous asshole for what he’s done to you guys because he is on both counts… But I spent a lot of time hating her and letting that hate spill out… And it did nothing to her, it only poisoned me.”
We talked about it later and there were some tears, she got it, but it was still raw. And I get that too.
But lately I’ve found that we are too eager to let negativity into our lives, and to spread it. Blaze — yes that’s his real name –, a friend of mine, recently posted something about Charles Manson and how awful the things he did were. At this point I got into a discussion about how technically speaking he didn’t do anything. It was kind of a bout jury nullification. Which is cool. Seriously click that link if you click nothing else. This conversation goes on for several days and other people notify me that I’m a monster and blah blah blah. Where this story ties in is 3 days later Blaze posts screenshots of the thread into another part of the conversation, to which I am notified. I ask him why at which point he notifies me that another guy we’ll call… Krang… asked him to. Now Krang and I have a weird history. He thought I was “a funny fat guy [he] liked” (his words) but unfriended and blocked me on Facebook because I wouldn’t “go back to being that stupid fat funny guy he liked” (again, his words. All this surrounding a conversation about how Christians are hateful people mind you). Which is fine. Honestly, I get blocked a lot because I am neither right wing or left wing so I piss off both sides and never shut up.
But this guy who hates me, was so worried about what I was saying that he conscripted our mutual friend into posting the conversation so he could see it and — presumably — use that to fuel his hate fire.
Why do we do this stuff? Why are we so drawn to an impulse that only ever hurts us? I know we do it, and I know that things that spark hate are more likely to be talked about… but why? Why is it that we block people then obsessively ask about what they’re doing? Clearly bud you’re not going to like it and it’s just going to upset you, so why bother?
What’s worse is this has become a powerful and much sought after tactic of the average political party. Donald Trump espouses nothing but hate on his twitter feed, and even when he knows it’s BS he still spouts it because people will respond. The Conservative party of Canada has fallen into this. Several times a day the post a meme about how awful Justin Trudeau and the liberals are… but have made no suggestions to what they would do different, and have sent only 3 laws to the floor. Even the NDP, Canada’s third party and general ginger stepchild of Canada, has proposed more legislation than the Conservative party. But every day they bring up how much we should hate Trudeau because he likes socks, or because he wants to house poor people.
This bitterness and hate isn’t good for us. A favorite parable of mine is a Cherokee parable.
A grandfather sits with his grandson and tells him “Within all of us there are two wolves eternally fighting. One wolf is darkness and despair. The other wolf is light and hope.”
The grandson looks up to his grandfather and asks “which wolf will win grandfather?”
The grandfather smiles down on his grandson and says “The one you feed.”
– Have a good’er.