My taste in stand-up comedy is most assuredly eclectic. From Seinfeld to Chappelle over to Lewis Black and Mark McCue; my love of comedy is encompassing. And I prefer them uncensored as well. There’s a greater conversation to be had about that, about whether or not Comedians should or shouldn’t be Politically Correct, and maybe I’ll get into to it at some point, but my stolen method of opening is clearly going to segue into something else. One of my top five comedians though is Jeff Foxworthy. I’m not sure where my love of his stuff started but definitely my favorite stand-up album he released was “Totally Committed” wherein he recounts his favorite stories involving his marriage to his wife and the family they made. It’s strange that I love it as much as I do, especially since I got it when I was 13-ish… but I do. And now as I sit in the basement listening away a line from the set comes up “[see] after thirteen years you start thinking to yourself y’know what? We might make it.” Well we haven’t been married for 13 years and we don’t have two girls… but after three I’m feeling the same way.
That’s right, married three years. For a while there, I didn’t know if I would ever get married. There was a girl before my wife that I thought I would marry, but life had other plans. And as awful as it sounds I’m thankful. The man I am is not the man I was and there was so much more left for me to learn. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there’s more still to learn but I feel like we’ve done OK. So in the tradition of Mr. Foxworthy I’m going to share some of those lessons. My wife doesn’t know I’m doing this of course, so if you don’t see me for a while you know why.
“Honesty is not always the best policy”
I constantly ask my wife what she’s thinking and if she says “nothing” it’s almost always because she’s thinking about something she’s worried might upset me, so I pester her until she tells me what it is. Well eventually my wife started asking me what I was thinking and I would respond “nothing much”. The problem was, as time went on, my wife realized I was never not thinking things. So she cornered me on it.
I know you’re thinking something, I want you to tell me what you’re thinking.
I know this seems like a thing you want but I promise you, you don’t.
I do! I want to know! <a few days later>
I think if I took my table legs off I could easily convert them into sleds and then ride it down Idlewild but it’d be heavy as balls to take up and down the hill and plus I’d need like a proper band saw which is expensive so I was thinking I could probably sell some stuff which got me thinking about Skyrim and how easy it is to cheat the sales system which then got me thinking about how weird it would be to disembowel a Wal-Mart employee which got me thinking about how much I hate Scotty T-
Yep, nope. You win I did not want to know any of that.
“You can’t give Rednecks money”
<comes home from a shopping trip with two new sweaters>
Are you kidding me with this?
You do *not* need another sweater Lorrin, let alone two. This is ridiculous how many sweaters do you own!?
Like maybe 6 but I’m getting rid of one and there’s two more I want.
Lorrin I guarantee you, you own at least a dozen.
Tell you what, if you have less than a dozen I’ll take you out for a nice dinner tonight. <several hours later Lorrin emerges in a dress> Really? You had less than a dozen?
As soon as we drop off the two garbage bags by the door at the Sally Anne it’ll be less than a dozen.
“I don’t know how come my [Husband] only [does something embarrassing] when I introduce him to people.”
<In the middle of Target with other people around> Hey hun?
<Farts so loud that people in the neighboring aisles comment/laugh/scoff>
<Runs away crying>
<Wants to chase her, but has collapsed to his knees howling with laughter> come back!
“Standing outside the house staring at the meter going “turn something off! This thing is spinning like a top, turn something off! You people are killing me! Unplug something!”
Even before we were married my wife discovered I was a cheapskate in many aspects. At first she thought this had something to do with my job situation as within a week or so of us dating, I lost my job. But even after we got married she discovered that this was permanent as I never allow the thermostat to heat the house above 18.5° Celsius. Initially my wife took umbrage with this.
Turn on the heat ya’ damn cheapskate!
If you’re cold cover up with a blanket, or put on one of your dozen sweaters! <summer comes around> I think I’m going to buy an AC.
Oh really? Well if you’re cold why don’t you just take off some of your clothes Mr. Won’t-pay-to-keep-his-wife-warm!
<Spends the whole next day completely naked>
That escalated quickly.
“The things that I’m talking about not knowing, they’re not mysteries of the universe; it’s just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.”
<A couple weeks after the wedding, bragging about something smart he did> See Lorrin, you gotta understand, I’m always thinking ahead. Take our wedding for instance, never going to forget it. Last day of summer.
August 31st is the last day of summer genius, we got married on the 30th.
August has 31 days!?